top of page

How Honest are You?

Honesty is a tricky subject. We'd all like to think we're unfailingly honest in our communication but in actuality we're only quasi-honest at best. We're often only as honest as our circumstances and fears allow. The less receptive we gauge the recipient of our transparency to be, or the more fearful we are of the imagined repercussions of being honest, the less honest we are.

And as much in life where we laud what is easier for us as the right thing because we want to justify our laziness, we've rubber-stamped our less transparent way of communicating as being ideal because it protects our egos. We pretend that lesser iterations of the truth are politer, more noble forms of expression because they are kinder. We pretend that we are above the uncouthness of honesty; we'd prefer to deal civilly in dishonesty to spare hurting others. But this is categorically false. The real reason we choose a lack of transparency is because we are afraid of dealing with the inauthenticity of our egos as well as the dysfunctional coping mechanisms of others in dealing with theirs.

Truly, all forms of dishonesty only serve to forestall the inevitable and necessary entity of conflict. While we fear conflict, it is a crucial element of the existence of any relationship, serving to create tension around issues which must be resolved through direct communication. If we are not fully forthright in how we think and feel, if we choose not to address the emerging elephants in our rooms, we play a false match. What we are parrying back to our counterpart in the relationship is insubstantial, inadequate for moving the match forward holistically. Relationships are indeed about holding a mirror to ourselves and our counterparts, about healthy, ongoing countering to achieve the bliss of balance. Whatever relationship we value, we should strive for transparency in. And it is paramount to stress that honesty is not the easiest route; we are not guaranteed an immediately good response just because we spoke up. We may or may not get the response we want when we want, but either way, it is only with honesty that we have a true chance at salvation at any point in a relationship.

It is only in risking the anger, the rage, the rupture of the relationship, that we can attempt to re-balance the situation. And this is the reason for transparency, that out of inevitable conflict which will arise, comes the progress of achieving resolution. It isn't through acquiescence and complacency that we reach happiness, but rather perseverance through the vicissitudes of struggle. Honesty is about being real that struggle exists in every relationship and that there is no way around it but through it. Honesty is about understanding that after transparency, after the conflict and the beginnings of resolution, there is a new normal of deeper understanding and greater liberation. Honesty is what fosters real love.


bottom of page